What's New
Courtesy of Ken Lawson
Last weeks what's new was read out by Derek (pictured above). As the most humorous what's new for a long time and a 'you had to be there' moment, here it is and well worth reading to the end!
WHATS NEW IN MY LIFE?
MAY I INTRODUCE MYSELF -MY NAME IS GRAHAM LAWSON- I AM THE CAT AT THE LAWSON HOME IN HERBERT FOREST.
I WAS PART OF THE DOWRY THAT CAME WITH THE LOVELY VIKKI APPX 2 YEARS AGO...
ALLOW ME TO EDUCATE YOU ROTARIANS ON MY RITE OF PASSAGE...
LIFE UNDER THE NEW REGIME HAS WORKED OUT TOLERABLY UNTIL A FEW WEEKS AGO.
THEN GARETH MORGAN THREW HIS HAT IN THE POLITICAL RING, AND YOU WILL APPRECIATE THAT I HAVE A SIMILIAR VIEW OF MR MORGAN TO THOSE OF THE JEWS FOR HITLER....
I HAVE BEEN ASSURED THE MR MORGAN HAS AS MUCH CHANCE OF LEADING NZ AS WE WERE ASSURED MR TRUMP HAD OF BECOMING PRESIDENT OF THE USA. YEAH RIGHT!!
BUT WORSE WAS TO COME... YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW YOUR LIFE CAN CHANGE IN AN INSTANT-ALL BECAUSE WE CATS ARE NOT ENFRANCHISED AND HAVE TOO MUCH DIGNITY TO CHAIN OURSELVES TO RAILINGS FOR A VOTE..
THE VOTERS IN OUR HOUSE DECIDED TO BRING VIKKI'S MUM FROM WAIKANAE INTO A NICE HOME IN OAMARU CALLED' SANDRINGHAM HOUSE'...
BUNTY IS 89 YEARS OLD-AND BEING A CARING CAT I THOUGHT THAT WAS VERY NICE ON THE PART OF THE VOTING ADULTS.
HOWEVER THERE WAS A DARK SIDE TO THIS TRANSPLANTING OF THE AGED- WHICH WAS NOT REVEALED UNTIL BUNTY ARRIVED BY PLANE RECENTLY TO STOP AT MY HOME FOR A WEEK BEFORE GOING INTO SANDRINGHAM HOUSE. BUNTY ALSO CAME WITH AN UNWELCOME DOWRY-ANOTHER CAT CALLED 'AMY' WHO I WAS NOT INTRODUCED TO BUT RAN INTO DURING A ROUTINE MOUSE PATROL-LIVING IN A SPARE BEDROOM IN MY HOME....CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?
BEING A GENTLEMAN CAT-, APART FROM MY LOSS OF GENTLEMAN'S APPENDAGES WHICH I WAS ASSURED WOULD BE GOOD FOR ME-BUT EFFECTIVELY REDUCED MY ARENAS OF EXCITEMENT TO EATING AND HUNTING-BUT I DIGRESS-I APPROACHED THE INTRUDER WITHOUT PREJUDICE AND SHE-...I USE THE WORD ADVISADELY AS MY INTUITION TOLD ME SHE HAD ALSO ENTERED THE NEW WORLD OF TRANSGENDERSHIP-TURNED AROUND AND HISSED AT ME IN MY OWN HOME!!!
WORSE WAS TO COME...
I AWAITED EAGERLY THE DAY WHEN BUNTY WAS TAKEN AWAY TO THE OAMARU HOME LOOKING FORWARD TO A HOUSE WITH HISSING INTRUDERS REMOVED.
ALAS-NO ONE HAD BOTHERED TO MENTION THAT TRANSGENDERS WERE NOT CATERED FOR AT SANDRINGHAM HOUSE AND BUNTY DEPARTED ALONE WITH MY NEW UNGRATEFULL FURRY FRIEND EXPANDING ON HER ONE BEDROOM CLAIM TO WHAT SHE CALLED A SURVEY OF COMMON AREAS AND NO GO AREAS. IT WAS BACK TO THE GOLAN HEIGHTS FOR MY AS I STAKED OUT UPSTAIRS AS MY EXCLUSIVE DOMAIN.
AND SO ROTARIANS-I LEAVE YOU WITH A PLEA....ANYONE GOT A HOME FOR A HOUSE TRAINED TRANSGENDER PUSSY WITH ELEMENTS OF THE FEMALE BOSSINESS TRAIT-IDEALLY FOR A HOME NEAR OAMARU-BUT NOT TOO CLOSE TO HERBERT FOREST????
I WILL ATTEMPT TO OBJECTIVELY CAT-ALOGUE HER GOOD POINTS- AS OBSERVED BY THE VOTING ADULTS-SLEEPS ALOT, CUDDLY AND FRIENDLY, BETTER NOT WITH OTHER CATS, IDEAL FOR ELDERLY PERSON...NO POLITICAL VIEWS-BUT NOT SUITABLE FOR GARETH MORGAN FOLLOWERS.
CONTACT ME -GRAHAM ON 03 439 5505...CHEERS.